Living or Existing?
by rainshower
Summary: chapter 4 is here! r&r :)
1. The Gift

I've written a couple of fictions before, "A different world isn't always better" then the sequel "Readjustments to the world". This story takes place about two months from my first fiction. If you have time, please read them! This story will make a lot more sense if you do. Most of what's in this story is Jamie's point of view on the events that happened. I hope you like it!  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any characters from IaHB  
  
Caitie and Val were at the mall on a Saturday morning.  
  
"What do you think of this sweater?" Val asked, draping the pink cardigan sweater over herself.  
  
"It's you Val" Caitie replied sarcastically.  
  
Val had a questioning look on her face. She wondered if Caitie was serious or not.  
  
"Go on and buy it."  
  
Val nodded her head gleefully and headed to the cash register. Caitie wouldn't dare to pull off the preppy look Val does. She just smirked at the image of a tall blonde running to an open register. She followed Val to the front of the store.  
  
Caitie quickly spotted a black leather journal. She walked over to the table to have a closer look. "Living or Existing?" was embedded in the leather cover with silver ink. She immediately opened the book and flipped through the pages. Each page was carefully detailed with silver lines. Caitie took the journal to the cash register.  
  
"What's that?" asked Val noticing something in Caitie's hands.  
  
Caitie showed Val the black leather book.  
  
"Wow, that's nice."  
  
"Yeah, I like it."  
  
Val and Caitie headed out of the store after purchasing their items.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Caitie went home that afternoon with three bags of new merchandise. She and Val had made their mark at the mall that day. She carefully rummaged through the bags of clothes, jewelry and makeup to pull out the leather journal she had purchased that day. She took out her favorite pen and started to fill up the pages.  
  
"Living or existing?"  
  
After a few moments Caitie stopped writing in the journal. She reached over to one of her shopping bags and pulled out a brand new pen. She stuck the pen in the holder in the journal. She put the journal in a gift bag and headed over to Jamie's house.  
  
  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
Caitie rang the doorbell.  
  
"Hey!" Jamie stated as he appeared in the doorway with a tee shirt and boxers.  
  
"Hi Jamie" said Caitie as she entered his house.  
  
"So, what's up?" he asked as he grabbed a Snapple from the fridge.  
  
He handed one over to Caitie-Kiwi Strawberry, her favorite.  
  
"I just have a little present for you" she replied as she opened her beverage.  
  
"Oh is that right?" Jamie arched his eyebrow.  
  
"Here". Caitie handed him the gift bag containing the journal. "I got to go."  
  
"Um. thanks" Jamie replied. He heard the front door close. Jamie reached inside the bag and found a black leather journal. It read "Living or Existing?" on the cover. Curiously he opened the journal.  
  
  
  
  
  
(Caitie's journal entry)  
  
  
  
I went to the mall today and found this journal at a store. "Living or existing?" I truly found this question to be intriguing. It was worthy of my attention. At that moment I thought to myself, do I simply exist. or am I really living?  
  
I know you have a look of puzzlement on your face Jamie. Stop muttering "Caitie has lost it" and please continue reading.  
  
I initially purchased this journal for myself but figured it would have more use as a gift. The purpose this little black leather book serves is simple. It will posses your inner most thoughts and ideas on how you want to live your life. Do not settle for just existing. Strive to live a life. Fill it with ideas, thoughts, songs, drawings . . . whatever you want. After it is finished, I want you to return the book to me. I will hold on to it we will see if you will successfully live your life.  
  
Brave enough to bear your soul?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Jamie smiled to himself. He has been challenged. Does Caitie really want to know what his inner most thoughts really are?  
  
"I'm brave" he said out loud.  
  
  
  
A/N: this is really a pointless fic. Does it deserve a sequel? Maybe I'll add a couple of chapters. Please review and let me know what you think! 


	2. Jamie's first entry

Disclaimer: I don't own any characters from IaHB.  
  
Chapter 2: Living or Existing?  
  
  
  
Jamie removed the new pen from the holder in the black leather journal. He put down his Snapple and took a breath. He wondered what to write. Jamie had just too much to tell Caitie. He uncapped the black ink pen and started to write on the silver lines.  
  
~~~ Journal entry~~~  
  
* I received this journal today, as a gift. Thoughtful. Something you always are Caitie. I figure I'd address this to you since you will be reading it eventually. Where to start . . . I just have a lot to say.  
  
About two months ago, something really horrible happened to you. We both know what I'm talking about. You almost got raped and then you attempted to commit suicide. At the time, I was just so glad that you made it, that you pulled through . . . I couldn't bring up any of my feelings. How can you do that to yourself? Sometimes, you are so oblivious for such a perceptive person. No matter what happens . . . don't you know that I'll be there for you? The thought of almost losing you struck fear in my heart. I don't know how I'll get through the rest of my life without you. You are truly my dearest friend. There is no tomorrow without you.  
  
After I found out what had happened, I almost lost it. You still don't know about this but after Tyler and I left the hospital room, I went to find Brett. Tyler insisted on tagging along. I made him tell me where his cousin lived, so I can figure out where to find that bastard. Tyler drove down to his cousin's apartment and it was my lucky day~ Brett was there "entertaining" a couple of girls. How wonderful right? * ~  
  
  
  
Jamie put down the pen and thought about what had really happened that night.  
  
  
  
~Flashback~  
  
Tyler and Jamie arrived at Dave's apartment. Dave answered the door and Jamie stormed in.  
  
"Brett" Jamie called out as if he was looking for an opponent. A tall dark haired person looked up as his name was being called. Jamie took a good look at the person who tried to strip his Caitie's innocence away. He took two big steps and tackled him. He pounded on his face as hard as he could. Blood started dripping from the corner of his mouth. Brett punched Jamie square in the jaw causing Jamie to release Brett from his grips. Jamie and Brett both stood up.  
  
"What the hell is this about" Brett yelled out. Tyler was watching with his cousin a few feet away. The girls were huddled together out of fear.  
  
"Like you don't know!" Jamie bellowed out, still holding his jaw.  
  
"You're a rapist" Tyler said with a firm tone. Dave looked at Tyler.  
  
"Don't accuse my friend of something that serious". Tyler starred at Dave.  
  
"I saw him. Don't tell me you're in on it too" Tyler said with disgust.  
  
His cousin just looked somewhat confused, or betrayed. Tyler grabbed Jamie by the arm and tried to lead him out the door.  
  
"Let go of me. I'm going to kick his ass" Jamie yelled out. He took a final swing at Brett. The two girls ran out of the apartment.  
  
"No one to rape tonight" Jamie said in repugnance. He walked out the door and Tyler soon followed. Before Tyler left, he looked at his older cousin.  
  
"I use to look up to you Dave." With that last sullen statement, the two teenagers left the apartment.  
  
~End of flashback~  
  
The thought of what happened to Caitie still brought up anger in Jamie. He sighed deeply and put his head down on the table. He picked up the black pen once again and continued to write.  
  
~Journal~  
  
Well, as you can assume, I got into a fight with Brett. Tyler basically disowned his cousin. Don't worry . . . I wasn't seriously injured. I just had a sore jaw and a black eye for a couple of days. For the rest of our break, I didn't know what to do. I had to talk to you but I felt so distant from you all the time. Val and Tyler told me that you just needed time to yourself, but you have no idea how desperately I wanted to hold you in my arms. Well, when we returned, it pained me to see what was happening to you. You cut class, ignored all your friends. You shut me out. You shut Val out too. You seemed to feel a little calmer with Tyler. I guess it was because he was there that night, but you should of known you could come to me. No matter what you do or what happens, I will be here for you . . . unconditionally. ~  
  
Jamie looked at the clock in his kitchen. The red digital numbers glowed "7:05." He had to get to the station for the evening shift. He looked at the black print that covered the white pages. The one thing he really wanted to write he couldn't.  
  
A/N: Well, I figure this story needed some more chapters or some more stuff in it. It was rather short! Anyway, I think I'll add some more Jamie's journal entries and then conclude it somehow. Please keep on reading and reviewing! I really, really, really appreciate reviews. 


	3. Recalling past events

A/N: Well, here's chapter three! I'm really pleased with the reviews I've been getting. Seriously, sometimes I have no idea where to go with my stories and I think reviews help me get some direction. I'm not 100 percent pleased with my next chapter . . . but please read and review it anyway. I think I might edit and change it a lot, but for now I'll keep it the way it is.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any stuff from IAHB.  
  
  
  
Chapter 3  
  
  
  
Ever since Caitie gave Jamie the journal, he has been writing in it constantly. Once he started writing down his feelings . . . his thoughts, it was hard to stop.  
  
~Journal~  
  
. . .Things from that day improved gradually over time. It felt good when you reached out to me again. I know it was hard for you.  
  
The night when you took those pills, I can't help but think I could of done something to prevent it. That night, when you flinched at my touch, it hurt. I kick myself because I now know why you were so edgy, but at the time I had no idea. I shouldn't of left you that day. Maybe I could have prevented you from hurting yourself. I feel responsible.  
  
*Flashback*  
  
After his shift, Jamie headed towards Caitie's house. He had two movies in hand and was excited to spend some time with his friend. He even borrowed a chick flick. something he knew Caitie would want to watch. She pretends not to like those sappy movies, but she's a sucker for them. He knocked on the door and heard no answer. He decided to try the back door. It was usually open. He carefully opened the door and called out for Caitie. He went upstairs into her bedroom and found her sleeping. He walked over and sat next to her on her bed.  
  
Jamie: Hey Caitie. (He whispered) Wake up!  
  
Caitie jumped up looking terrified.  
  
Caitie: Oh, Jamie! What are you doing here? Jamie: Tyler came back early from his trip and my shift was cut short. I thought we were watching videos tonight?  
  
Jamie was holding up his two videos. He noticed that Caitie's face was stained with tears. Jamie reached out and put his arm around her. At his touch, she flinched back leaving a shocked look on his face.  
  
Jamie: Caitie, what's wrong? Are you okay?  
  
Caitie tried to hold back all her tears and nodded.  
  
Caitie: (defensively) I'm fine. I just don't feel well. Can I take a rain check?  
  
Jamie was disappointed, but concerned at the same time. Obviously something was going on and she wasn't telling him.  
  
Caitie: Just go! Jamie: Whatever. I'm leaving. I get it.  
  
*End of flashback*  
  
  
  
I left that day with such anger. I felt neglected. You were spending so much time away from me; I didn't know what was going on. Later I found out that you were going to a club and meeting new people. I don't mean to sound bitter. I know you regret ever going there but I want you to know that it wasn't your fault. What's wrong with having a good time in a different place? I was just surprised that you kept it from me. It made me wonder if I was the person you were trying to get away from.  
  
~~  
  
The phone rang interrupting Jamie's entry.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hi Jamie. It's Tyler"  
  
"Hey man, what's up?" Jamie spoke into the receiver.  
  
"Was I interrupting something?" Tyler asked.  
  
"I was writing in a journal Caitie gave me." Jamie replied.  
  
"A journal?" Tyler asked with slight laughter in his voice.  
  
"Yeah. Anyway, what do you want?" Jamie asked with an annoyed voice.  
  
"Alex called and said that we don't have to be on call tonight. They got someone else to fill in." Tyler answered acknowledging Jamie's annoyed tone.  
  
"That's good. Maybe I can get some sleep," Jamie said with a yawn.  
  
"So, journal huh? You should, you know, tell her how you feel."  
  
Jamie remembered his conversation with Tyler in the park. It was probably a month ago when Tyler asked if Jamie had feelings for Caitie. He didn't know why he decided to trust Tyler with his secret. Perhaps it was because Tyler was in a similar situation that he was in. Tyler had liked Val for a long time now. Since they were both friends, and on the same squad, they were both hesitant.  
  
"I don't know if she's ready for that." Jamie said quietly.  
  
"I think you're underestimating her. Anyway, it's getting late. Since we're not on call, I think I'll get some sleep. See ya."  
  
"All right. Bye."  
  
After he hung up the phone, Jamie realized that it was getting late. Two days passed and all he's been doing is writing in the journal. He looked at the pen placed between two pages. One was filled with worlds and the other was a new blank page. The journal was almost filled up. He was surprised at how fast he was running out of fresh pages. He picked up the pen and continued to write.  
  
~Journal~  
  
Remember the contest? Don't you miss our free drinks and pastries? Sucks that it came to an end. It was really fun.  
  
I don't know if you noticed, but do you recall the night before the contest when we practiced? I think that was the first time I found out how you really felt about yourself after what had happened.  
  
  
  
* Flashback *  
  
Caitie: Sure. Listen Jamie, since we really didn't agree on a song.and we can't very well compose one overnight. I have a suggestion.  
  
Jamie: (looks up at Caitie) Sure.  
  
Caitie handed Jamie the sheet music to the song she had just printed out. Jamie took the paper. He read the sheet music.  
  
Jamie: I can play this.  
  
Caitie: Good.  
  
Jamie: Can I see the lyrics?  
  
Caitie: Yea.  
  
Caitie handed Jamie the lyrics. He read them over and was silent for a few minutes.  
  
Jamie: is there any particular reason why you chose this. song?  
  
Jamie knew he asked that question in vain. He just didn't want to believe that she felt like she was 'damaged'. Didn't she see how wonderful she was? The notion that Caitie saw herself this way tore a hole in Jamie's heart.  
  
Caitie: Cause. the song was practically written about me. Every word. (Tears welling up in her eyes). Jamie.I. know I've been pushing you away. not just you. Everyone. And, I guess, this will be my way.of opening up to you guys.  
  
After Caitie's last comment, Jamie had a look of seriousness in his eyes. He fixed her into his gaze.  
  
Jamie: I don't think.you know-Caitie, you know you're not damaged.  
  
Caitie: .Yes I am.  
  
Jamie: Caitie. You're not.to me you will always be perfect.  
  
Jamie changed the subject quickly.  
  
Jamie: Let's practice.competition is tomorrow!  
  
* End of flashback *  
  
  
  
You have been merely "existing" for the past couple of months. You are slowly starting to regain your footing and live again, but I see the sorrow and fear in your eyes even now. I know you still believe you are damaged. I do not let on that I know this . . . because I guess I like pretending things are okay. I just wish that you could see how great you really are. I see you at times with tears staining your face. You still flinch at any surprise physical contact. Caitie, I'll protect you. Even though you're a strong person who doesn't need protection, I'll protect you nevertheless.  
  
That night, I told you I thought you were perfect. I still think you are. You have such insight into the world. I am often in awe of you . . .  
  
Before Jamie could finish his entry he fell asleep on his bed. The black leather journal now served as a pillow for the tired dark haired boy. 


	4. 10+ things i love about you!!!

Disclaimer: I don't own any characters from IaHB.  
  
A/N: I'm REALLY nervous about this chapter. My source of inspiration has run dry! Hopefully it's only temporary! I just wanted to finish this story up cause I don't like unfinished stories . . . but I'm not especially confident about this chapter.  
  
Go on . . . you have been warned . . .  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Jamie pulled out the black leather journal from underneath his bed. He flipped to the first page and started reading Caitie's entry.  
  
  
  
~Caitie's original entry~  
  
I went to the mall today and found this journal at a store. "Living or existing?" I truly found this question to be intriguing. It was worthy of my attention. At that moment I thought to myself, do I simply exist. or am I really living?  
  
I know you have a look of puzzlement on your face Jamie. Stop muttering "Caitie has lost it" and please continue reading.  
  
I initially purchased this journal for myself but figured it would have more use as a gift. The purpose this little black leather book serves is simple. It will posses your inner most thoughts and ideas on how you want to live your life. Do not settle for just existing. Strive to live a life. Fill it with ideas, thoughts, songs, drawings . . . whatever you want. After it is finished, I want you to return the book to me. I will hold on to it we will see if you will successfully live your life.  
  
Brave enough to bear your soul?  
  
~End of journal entry~  
  
  
  
  
  
He uncapped the pen and started writing avidly on a fresh clean page.  
  
  
  
~Journal~  
  
The end is near. I have been writing continuously. I can be quite an overachiever when I put my mind to it.  
  
I reread your original entry, just incase I was getting off track.  
  
  
  
When given the task of writing in this journal, it helped me grasp and analyze all my feelings for you. I will take a chance and I will bear my soul to you.  
  
It is after all what you asked . . .what you challenged me to do.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
What I never could muster the courage to say to you is . . .  
  
I love you.  
  
  
  
Caitie, I'm in love with you.  
  
I love the way you stand up for yourself.  
  
I love the way you are scared of horror movies.  
  
I love the way you tuck your hair behind your ears.  
  
I love the way you sing.  
  
I love the way you laugh.  
  
I love the way you stare at me with your deep eyes.  
  
I love the way you say my name.  
  
I love the way you snuggle against me.  
  
I love the way you hold on to me when we're riding on my bike.  
  
I love the way you see things most people don't bother too.  
  
I love the way you get excited after reading a good book.  
  
I love the way you try to play my guitar.  
  
I love the way you worry about me.  
  
I love the way you see past my act and see into my soul.  
  
  
  
I love everything about you.  
  
  
  
  
  
All I can bring myself to do is write it down. When the time is right, I will give this journal to you. Then and only then will I personally tell you how much you mean to me.  
  
  
  
Caitie, I want to live my life with you. I want you to be a part of my life forever.  
  
If you think that we should remain friends . . . I can accept that.  
  
Nothing can shake our friendship together. I will not let anything or anyone come between us.  
  
Just know that I will love you forever, and I will be here for you.  
  
  
  
I just realize how liberating this is . . . and I have reached a conclusion.  
  
Give me a round of applause for the mission is accomplished. . .  
  
  
  
I am now . . .  
  
Living rather than existing.  
  
  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
  
  
  
  
Jamie closed the journal and shoved it under his bed. He had done what he set out to do.  
  
"All I have to do is give it to her," he said out loud with his head buried in his arms. Jamie knew the hardest part has yet to come.  
  
  
  
A/N: For those who have reviewed, I would like to thank you. 


End file.
